Trust the Flow

It’s already been a week since my mom finally made her transition. The truth is I don’t have a visceral sense that she’s no longer on this realm with us. It was more than 4 months ago that I sat by her, held her hand while she squeezed mine and we both said good bye. As much as I wished that I were by her side until the last moment, it was the best I could have done under the circumstance.

And I tend to forget that I am grieving. It was like that with my last cat, Nicola, who’s been gone for a whole year now. Both with Nicola and Mom, I knew the inevitable losses were coming and I grieved long before the end finally came while I kept busy pursuing my dreams and aspirations. My life has been blessed with so many opportunities to learn so many new things that are beneficial for my personal and professional life and connect with so many individuals who inspire me and nourishes my soul. Yet, it takes my friends reminding me that am grieving when I have a hard time getting myself motivated to get to work or even do some household chores because I feel this underlining sorrow and despair.

When I was at the retreat for the Buddhist Eco-Chaplaincy program, I expressed my concern with my teacher about how I feel like I can’t keep up not only with my Dharma practice but with everything else. The wisdom I received was so simple. “Trust.” Trust the flow of Dharma. Trust the river of life. “Relax and take it easy,” says the Big Book. Unless I’m mindful of my own mental state, it’s so hard for me to trust, relax and take it easy, which is why I practice however imperfect I think I do. And what a gift to know that I can simply trust…