Tender Heart

It’s been a week since Nicola, my kitty, left us. I keep seeing her in the peripheral vision in all the spots she used to be in the house. Especially because she was a black kitty, any dark objects her size can seem like her. As friends check in with me, I keep responding, “I’m surprisingly okay” as it is truly so. Honestly, I was afraid of the grieving process to be difficult because the last two times I lost my beloved kitties were so devastating that I fell into depression. As of today, I feel much more serenity than sadness even though her presence is painfully missed.

While my grief would likely continue for some time, what I’ve come to realize is that I’ve done it differently this time. Having known the inevitable for quite some time, I had begun my grieving process long before last week. I cried a lot as I watched her ail: I cried as I stroked her chin and chest when she was trying to settle down next to me in bed but was having a hard time. I cried everytime I picked her up and noticed she was shrinking down to just the skelton. I cried when she laid her emaciated body on my lap to meditate with me even on the morning of the day before she passed. As it turns out, it was truly a blessing that I got to be with her all the way through her journey. She gave me a gift of letting me be present for her last breath in a way that I never have with anybody.

It is heartbreaking to lose a beloved. I didn’t know if I could endure this again.

But my Dharma mentor, Diana, was right. I think my practice prepared me well. I was able to face it albeit lots of tears. I can allow loving kindness to ease my tender heart. I am o.k.

#YouCanSitWithUs