Stillness Flowing

I spent 6 days in a solo meditation retreat last week thanks to a fellow practitioner who provided a place for me in a perfect setting in the hills of Ojai. For many years I would go to a silent meditation retreat at least once a year, usually at some retreat centers led by one or more teachers. When I still had a dwelling place in Los Angeles, I would also come up to my mountain house to retreat on my own when I felt the need to get quiet. Now that I live in my mountain house full time, the latter option is no longer available.

So this was a much needed opportunity for me to get still and go within. I would have liked it to be a much longer retreat, but I’m deeply grateful to have what I had. As is usually the case, it took me a few days for my mind to calm down as I meditated. By the 4th day, I noticed my mind was still churning with thoughts, but there was this rather peaceful flow of awareness underneath the thinking mind. I realized then that my mind was wanting a “quiet and calm” state while my mind was just slowing down. The difference between how my mind was and how I wanted it to be was the cause of discontent.

It wasn’t until I picked up the 3-inch thick book that sat on the coffee table titled, “Stillness Flowing, The Life and Teachings of Ajahn Chah” I recognized the discontent of my mind AND noticed how the awareness was always there. Even though I have felt a little insecure about my practice as I have not been meditating as much as I would like to these days, I was reassured I’m still doing O.K. It really boils down to trusting my own process, my own journey…