Shifting Winds

Two days ago I woke up to messages from Japan informing me that my mother was in a hospital after a fall on her kitchen floor. Being a month away from turning 93, she’s been quite frail and her cognitive ability has been declining significantly for the last few months. Her care manager, care givers, my brother, and obviously myself have been somewhat anticipating something like this.

The good news is that she didn’t break any bones or needs any surgery, and she’s in a hospital being cared for. It has been increasingly difficult for her to take care of the basic needs like eating.

Difficulties I face, on the other hand, are that the doctor told my brother she should not go back to her apartment to live alone any longer. While the ever hardworking care manager is working to find options for mom, my brother expressed his concerns about the finances and logistics of moving her. I’ve been anticipating for many years now that I would help her if or when she had to move. And now I face the fact that I may not be able to do it.

Having naturalized as a U.S. Citizen and surrendered my Japanese passport back then (because Japanese government wouldn’t allow dual-citizenship), I am an American most countries in the world wouldn’t want to let in. Besides my passport is stuck at the State Department waiting for the renewal where more than 130 million applications are backed up. I placed a call to the passport office to inquire about expediting my renewal application, and the response wasn’t hopeless yet not exactly promising. I also called the Consulate General of Japan to inquire about permitting entry as a “exceptional circumstance” but their lines were busy. All I can do now is to take one step at a time to see if the Universe would open the doors for me to go to Japan to help my mom although I must admit I am extremely trepidatious about traveling let alone being on long international flights.

As Buddha said, there are 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. The wind is shifting all the time. After a memorable celebration of my birthday, this new tough situation emerged. It’s like this. Life is always presenting different experiences. As I read in the first page in a book by Ajahn Sumedhos that a friend sent me for my birthday, “Awareness is your refuge.” I notice the shifting feelings and moods as I ponder on this new situation. It’s like this.

#YouCanSitWithUs

Awareness is your refuge:
Awareness of the changingness of feelings,
of attitudes, of moods, of material change
and emotional change:
Stay with that, because it’s a refuge that is
indestructible.
It’s not something that changes.
It’s a refuge you can trust in.
This refuge is not something that you create.
It’s not a creation. It’s not an ideal.
It’s very practical and very simple, but
easily overlooked or not noticed.
When you’re mindful,
you’re beginning to notice,
it’s like this.

Ajahn Sumedho