Restless in the Mountains
Last week I completed the project of selling the super green home in Temple City. It was a huge step forward towards my Vision. I know I worked hard, and it was a success. Both clients and I were very happy with the outcome. I even got paid handsomely, too. I ought to be relaxed and smiling. Yet I’ve been feeling extremely restless since then. I’m thinking about all the “next” things I think I should be doing, and the list keeps growing.
Some time ago, I asked one of my teachers, Gil Fronsdal, when I was feeling restless in my meditation what the “restlessness” was about. He said it could be a form of greed, which is one of the three states of mind that cause suffering (greed, hatred and delusion) according to Buddha. When I’m restless, my mind is usually telling me all the things I should do, places I should go, and people I should talk to and not having a good plan to accomplish them. That sense of “not enough” feels certainly like greed.
As I ponder one night what’s underneath my restlessness, I discovered there are indeed layers of feelings that I was not necessarily in touch with. First layer was frustration. I was frustrated that I don’t seem to get enough time to do all the things I “think I should be doing.” It felt almost like anger towards myself. This is actually my default thinking that I know too well is not true. Then the next layer was unsurprisingly fear. I’m just afraid to pause and slow down because I may miss something important. That’s also a part of my pattern. Ugh!
Then, I finally got to the next layer. I realized I was avoiding the grief. Knowing that my mother is at the end of the life and still holding on, being so far away and not be able to hold her hands, and not knowing how she is on the daily basis, I have not wanted to feel the grief because it’s just too damn hard. It was almost easier to grieve when I watched my kitty, Nicola, decline slowly and I was able to accompany her journey day to day until the very end. It was only when I got in touch with the grief that I was able to let go a little and find compassion for myself. And once I could allow myself to cry, I could feel the relief from my restlessness though temporarily.
One of the rock star Dharma teachers, Tara Brach, had come up with the method of “R.A.I.N.,” in which you recognize what’s going on, allow, investigate and nurture. As I wrote this I realized that’s what I did. Even though I’m still feeling quite restless, I’m grateful to know I’m not just greedy. There’s always something important hidden in these feelings, isn’t there?