Pawse

It’s been 2 weeks and 2 days. Yes, since my kitty, Nicola, made her transition. As I wrote last week, I have been feeling remarkably okay. Tears do come when I talk about it with someone or when I look at the pictures and video clips. We are taking time to remove the items around the house that belong to her. So far I cleaned and put away all her food and water bowls, and cleaned her litter boxes to be sent to the storage in the basement. We may donate the scratching post/kitty tree this weekend to a local shelter. But I cannot bring myself to remove the little straw hut next to our sofa in the living room where she spent most of her time during her hospice period. I still peek in there to see if she’s there.

Meanwhile, life keeps going. My grieving really didn’t keep me from doing the things I had on my to-do list though I was definitely slower than usual. In fact, I promptly made a plan to go back to the Westside to spend a few days. One of my Dharma friends, a fellow teacher, Deborah, had graciously offered her home in Santa Monica for me to stay while she and her husband were on a road trip. While Nicola needed so much care and attention, I couldn’t leave her home alone for too long let alone overnight. It was indeed a nice break from the mountains to be where I still feel like belonging. It would have been a nice respite if I didn’t bring all my work. I ended up spending most of my time at her kitchen table on my computer except I certainly enjoyed my morning walks to the beach and dining at my favorite Japanese restaurants with my husband who was staying at his friend’s.

It wasn’t until I came back up to the mountains that I finally paused. As my husband was staying in the city working, I came home alone to the mountain house where Nicola was no longer waiting for me. Once I settled back in the house I noticed loneliness arose and more tears came as I stared into the empty straw hut. I wondered if I subconsciously got busy so I didn’t have to feel this though I promptly decided it didn’t matter. I am trusting this process of grieving without judging myself. But pausing every once in a while to allow my feelings to remind me how much I miss that kitty is healing, and I’m sure Nicola agrees…

#YouCanSitWithUs