May You Be Free of Suffering
I got back to the U.S. on Tuesday afternoon. The flight was surprisingly full. Because the flight to Japan was almost empty, I guessed it would be just as sparse. It seemed like they had flights from 4 or 5 airlines combined onto this flight. I wanted to have a seat on an empty row so I could cry privately if I needed to. Alas, there were plenty of other passengers around, and I kept my tears back for the most of the flight.
It felt almost surreal to come home where space, trees and blue sky surround me after spending 3 weeks in a very small quarter with a window looking down on a small street in a densely populated residential neighborhood. What I had to do there was both heart wrenching and physically taxing. At the same time, I’m absolutely glad and grateful that I did get to do this very difficult task as there was so much insight into my family history and dynamics I gained via the photos and writings I found. It will take me a while to digest and process what I learned, and I am very curious what would come out of it.
The caseworker at the hospital made a special arrangement for me to visit mom again on the day before I left. Time stood still as I sat next to her holding her hand and looking into her eyes. For the most part she thought I was one of her cousins and kept asking how the auntie (her cousin’s mother) was and where I lived. In moments she knew who I was, we told each other, “Thank you,” and “I’m sorry” repeatedly while squeezing each other’s hand. I told her I loved her and how great a mom she was as I practiced Metta, the loving kindness prayers: “May you be safe and protected. May you find ease in mind and body. May you be happy. May you be free of suffering….” It would have been much more painful to leave had she been more lucid although I know she knew somewhere in her consciousness that I was there to say good bye. As I left her room, I realized I was there for almost two hours. I’m so grateful for the hospital staff to leave me with her for that long.
I selfishly prayed my father, grandparents and all the kitties she had would come and pick Mom up while I was still in Japan, but she’s still holding on. She will soon be moved to a hospice facility where she will likely make her transition in the coming weeks. While my heart is filled with a complex mixture of feelings including sadness, anguish, and guilt, I will continue to practice Metta for her so her journey is filled with ease and light. May you be free of suffering, Mom…
#YouCanSitWithUs