Childless Grandmother
I got to visit my grand daughters this weekend. Technically, they are my step-daughter’s children, which makes me a step-grandmother. London, the older one, is “two and three-quarters-year old” as she claims and calls me “Baba.” London’s little sister, Kyle, was born in November on my husband, Kenny’s birthday. While we get to see them via FaceTime often, it was a while since I had seen them in person. It is quite fascinating to watch these little beings grow. It is such a precious time when there’s something new every day as they develop their own personalities. Each time I do get to see them, I’m just awe struck by the total “adorable-ness.”
I am just as awe struck with my step-daughter, Marissa, who is doing an incredibly amazing job as a mom. Just like anything else in today’s world, there seems to be so much support and resources available for the young moms to be the best mom they could be. And here’s the thing: I’m almost envious. Other than being a God-mother and step-mother, which I’m grateful for the experience, I didn’t get to be a mom. It was ultimately my choice, but it wasn’t something I had decided earlier in my life. I always thought I would have kids.
When I see London in person or on the screen, sometimes I feel this sensation in my heart that’s hard to describe. It is a piercing ache yet feels like momentary nirvana. Because I know those innocent smiles and giggles are so fleeting yet so incredibly delightful to witness, it opens my heart so wide and deep.
In the eco-chaplaincy program I am taking, we’re contemplating on grief. One of the questions we were asked to consider was whether we are carrying any sort of grief. Upon exchanging some thoughts with my fellows, the most delicate grief I carry was for the fact that I didn’t experience the motherhood. I’ve been aware how I would feel the sadness when I see heartful interactions between any mothers and their children. I had to accept that the card didn’t play out for me to be a mom other than for my kitties. However, acceptance itself would not necessarily alleviate the grief. I see that by allowing the grief to be present while being totally delighted by my grand daughters brings profound gratitude as well. I am a childless “Baba” and it’s so cool.