Asian Daughter’s Guilt
I received an email last Thursday night from my mother’s care manager at her residential rehab facility she’s been staying since last fall. It was to notify me that my mother was transported to a hospital because she had temperature and developed a minor pneumonia. Although she tested negative for COVID and wasn’t in a critical condition, they cannot legally administer any medical treatment at the facility. When my brother called me after seeing the doctor, I could hear in his voice a relief and “gladness” that he actually got to see our mother briefly for the first time in more than 6 months.
He was told she should be able to recover and return to the rehab facility. What my brother needed to talk to me about was whether “we” wanted to allow any life-prolonging treatment for my mother should her condition turns for the worse. The doctor informed my brother they were obliged to ask the family members such question. My mom had given me a piece of paper some years ago titled, “Respectful Death Declaration,” stating she didn’t want to be place on such treatment. It’s like the “advance directives” I suppose though I don’t know if such documents are legally recognized in Japan. When I called the hospital to see if I can send the document mom prepared, the nurse told me all they needed was family’s wishes.
While it looks like she’s going to be O.K. for the time being, I’m very much aware that her condition can change any day at her fragile age of 93. The possibility that I may not get to see her again sank in my heart deeper. Along with the grief — knowing that her life is certainly getting closer to the end — what arose was a sense of guilt.
In Asian culture stemming from combination of Confucian, Buddhist and Taoist ethics, there’s a word called, “filial piety,” which means a virtue of respect for one’s parents, elders and ancestors. I know taking care of our aging parents are not at all unique to the Asian culture, yet there’s this unspoken expectation that weighs internally. I left home 40 years ago and established my life here in the U.S., which in itself could be considered, “unfaithful” to our parents perhaps a generation ago. I wanted go back and spend time with my mother on a regular basis especially after my father passed away 20 years ago. We even considered having her live with me in California, but she still had her own community and resources (mainly medical) in Japan. Yet for all the reasons, my visits home have been not as consistent as I would liked them to be. Nonetheless I wouldn’t have ever imagined that I couldn’t just get on the plane and go back to the home country when I wanted or needed let alone visiting the loved ones in hospital or facilities to comfort them.
I don’t regret the choices I made in my life, yet I must admit I may have to carry this guilt in the back corner of my heart with gentle awareness. And I hope that once the pandemic is in the rear view mirror, I would be able to go home and see my mom.
#YouCanSitWithMe