Another Unexpected Blessing
After I took a pause to get quiet last week, I had another unexpected blessing of having my grand daughter, London, visit us for a few days. Honestly, I was a little apprehensive when my step-daughter asked if she could come up with her 2-year old for a few days because they were going stir crazy in their rather small quarter where her husband is now working in the living room. Whether that broke the “shelter-at-home” rules or not, I won’t debate here.
London is about to turn 2-years old in a couple of weeks, and we know there won’t be a birthday party this year. Besides we haven’t really spent too much time with her since she came along other than our occasional visits that usually lasts may be an hour or two. So this was a delightful opportunity to be with her. And oh, what a bundle of joy she was! She’s definitely at an age between being a baby and a little human (I guess you call that a toddler!) when she’s independently mobile and learning to communicate with words but she’s still not able to formulate them clearly, which makes it unbearably adorable. It was my dream come true to take her to my beloved woods to walk the trails and show her all the big big trees. For three days, we got to play with this little being as our heart cracked so wide open.
This is where I’m going to get a bit personal. I noticed as I watched London, I would have this sensation around my heart, which almost felt like pain. I recognized that feeling as something familiar, yet couldn’t quite pinpoint. The closest feeling I could think of was the sensation I got when I saw a guy I had a crush on far down the hallway in middle school. It must be LOVE in a way I haven’t felt for some time…? May be emotions cannot be labeled simply by words let alone in one language. As I was talking to a friend a few days later, I realized there was an element of grief in my feeling as well. Since I didn’t get to have my own kids, whenever I get to see little kids, who cling to their mom with absolute trust, I can’t help but feel some sadness for missing out the motherhood. At the same time, I’m blessed I did get to be a God mother, step-mother and now a grandmother, “Baba.” Yes, I’m still counting my blessings.